All people ever say is: THANK YOU(a celebration of life) and PLEASE(an opportunity to make life more wonderful)

Above is a quote by Marshall B. Rosenberg, an American psychologist known for developing Nonviolent Communication. While seemingly an oversimplification at first glance, there may be a kernel of truth in this statement.

Why do people talk to others?

To investigate the validity of this statement, one must first understand why humans talk. The first case mentioned in the quote is “thank you” statements. It need not be “thank you” word for word, but a statement like “I love you”, for example, expresses appreciation for the person it is directed towards. The key here is that it conveys gratitude and positive emotions associated with a particular individual. 

Voicing our needs and wants is also one of the most fundamental reasons for communication. People like it when things go their way, but alas, one’s central nervous system does not extend to the people in their environs. Even while still incapable of forming words, infants cry out loud, beseeching the attention of caregivers. And when parents upbraid their children it is to set boundaries and lay out expectations, which, in simpler terms, means they are telling their children what kinds of behavior is expected of them.

What causes interpersonal conflicts?

Conflicts are not always bad; however, they can rapidly escalate and alienate the parties involved. Consequently, it is important to be equipped with the right tools to manage them. There are three main causes for conflict between individuals:

1. Non-meeting of the minds, where the parties simply have disparate priorities or perspectives regarding an issue.
2.  Lack of transparency, which results in uncertainty. Since we humans are not particularly fond of uncertainty, it leads to distrust, frustration, and ultimately full-on conflict.
3.  Issues of communication style. If someone comes across as dismissive or aggressive, regardless of their true intention, that will strain the interaction and likely give rise to conflict.

How does the “golden rule of thank-you and please” aid in conflict management? The most apparent benefit of adopting the golden-rule mindset would be that one begins to recognize when someone expresses gratitude or makes a courteous request, and can appreciate it. Nevertheless, the real charm of the golden rule is that it promotes healthy communication. There are two main ways in which this occurs. 

Firstly, it reduces overthinking. Ambiguous statements that may fuel dubiety and sow seeds of discord in a relationship can simply be translated into a “thank-you” or a “please”, if not ignored completely. The golden rule also spurs a paradigm shift when it comes to taking outright criticism. Criticism morphs from an ad hominem affront to mere feedback from someone who sees the world differently. This may bolster tolerance for criticism and boost confidence. Most importantly, it reminds one that the other person does not mean harm.

For example, if a teacher tells their student that they should study more next time, they mean nothing more or less than that. It is simply a “please”, for the benefit of the student. The golden rule may discourage the student from magnifying the whole incident and distorting the teacher’s words into meaning something along the lines of “you’re not smart enough!” In this sense, it can also dissuade negative self-talk.

Question: What if someone calls me a moron?

Answer: That would be a polite request to step up your game and do better.

It is understandably frustrating to deal with jabs that stoop so low, which are impulsive, irrational and internecine. This type of violent communication cannot and should not be justified, but processing it with the aforementioned quote in mind may minimize the emotional distress and its impact on one’s self-perception.

Try thinking of the insult as a request, and you get to determine whether it is reasonable. You get to decide whether you want to make the effort to fulfill the request. In this way, you take back agency and power in a potentially enervating situation. So, whether you decide to turn down the request or happen to find a grain of truth in their insult, you spare yourself from the mental anguish. 

Are there exceptions to this golden rule? It sounds too good to be true!

Whether there are exceptions to this dichotomous classification depends on what is meant by “exception”. Are there cases where a person says something that does not fit neatly into either of the categories, or lies somewhere in between? Absolutely! Are there exceptions in the sense that some things are so painstakingly concocted that they can elude this golden filtering net and must be taken to heart and result in emotional distress? Absolutely not!